So I have not blogged in a very long time – one of these days I will get to the nitty gritty and tell the whole world what has been happening this past year and a half, but for now I just want to get back to an epiphany I had a few weekends ago.
So it all started with a panic attack because someone accused me of having an ‘attitude’. Yes, I might have had one, but not on purpose. It was not like I was going out of my way trying to make life difficult for this women. On the contrary I actually thought I was being polite to start off with and after I realised she didn’t really like me much I just tried to stay out of her way.
So long story short we had a fall out, where I tried to explain that she can not make assumptions about me and my actions as she does not really know me. What I really want to tell is that she said that if I do not change my attitude she would loose her cool (not her exact words but the general feeling) I then said she should go ahead. I am over taking responsibility for other’s reactions. If you want to loose your cool, then do it, but take responsibility for the way you react don’t keep someone else responsible for it.
Okay, the rant part of this post is over – I had a panic attack because all the times I have been called a bitch came flashing back and I just could not handle it anymore.
I do not want to be a bitch, who does? Who wants to be known as the horrible women who always looses her cool and is never pleasant to be around? There might be deeper reasons why I really do not want to be called or referred to as a bitch, whatever the case might be- I just could not take it anymore and I cracked.
So the afternoon turned to night and the a few glasses of wine later (okay only one, it does not get much to get me talking) I tell this story to a girl I recently met. She looked at me AND without thinking twice about it she bluntly says “you are a bitch”.
Maybe it was the wine, or that I had no more tears to cry, but at that moment it dawned on me: I am a bitch and so freaking what.
I am a strong women who will stand up for what she believes in and will not allow anyone to walk over her. This is not a bad thing, if this was not true then I would not still be standing.
Unfortunately I had to fight to be where I am today, sometimes I had to fight harder and uglier than I wanted to, but there is no use in hating myself for this. Or trying to keep someone else responsible. So what if you call me a bitch, if that is your perspective, cool, whatever, this is me. This is one part of who I am, this is one part of who I had to become to survive in a hard world that was not made for sweet little girls.
And at the end of the day you might be lucky enough to find a fellow bitch who just gets your bitchiness and who will enjoy a glass of wine with you (or whatever activity that makes you happy) and makes you feel okay with your inner horrible self.
So to all my bitches out there, you are not alone. More importantly to the one I bumped heads with, don’t worry, I get you, you obviously had to fight as well, it’s all cool.